Cynical Internet marketing definitions

I am continually flabbergasted by all the new terms that pop in and out of the realm of Internet and online marketing. It's worse than the fashion industry, I swear.

Driven by millions of people who spend their time working on new ways to confound and infuriate small businesses into forking out truck loads of cash on SEO and marketing services they may (or may not) need, it's left to you and me to try and keep up.

I thought I would start a list of the most widely known terms and give them memorable, friendly definitions to help you understand exactly what is going on. If you've ever read an article on marketing, hoping to glean a bit of knowledge and understanding that can help you to generate revenue or build traffic then this list is for you. Bookmark it now, share it with your friends and check back regularly to see what's new.

Oh, and if there's any Internet marketing related terms you think should be on this list, then contact me via email, twitter or linkedIn and I'll see what I can do to include it.

1. SEO

SEO or Search Engine Optimization [Part of speech: Acronym/Noun]: A process by which one party intentionally complicates a simple, content-oriented procedure to confuse another party into parting with money. The first party then uses this money to create content that enhances their own SEO in order to further confound additional parties into parting with money.

2. PPC

PPC or Pay Per Click [Part of speech: Acronym/Noun]: A method of advertising in which a content publisher lies about their traffic volumes to encourage advertisers to lie about their products and services. Readers click on an ad, which generates revenue for the publisher. The destination landing page inevitably annoys the reader who almost never get what they have been promised. Click throughs, however, pump up the traffic of the advertiser who can then lie about those numbers to sell PPC advertising.

3. ROI

ROI or Return on Investment [Part of speech: Acronym/Noun]: A mythical creation summoned into being by online marketers to justify their outrageous earnings.

4. CRM

CRM or Customer Relationship Management [Part of speech: Acronym/Noun]: Something online businesses do in order to disguise the deluge of marketing material they inflict on people who have purchased something, or indicated they might purchase something, or happen to have come across a product that could be purchased.

5. CMS

CMS or Content Management System [Part of speech: Acronym/Noun]: A web platform designed to allow overly enthusiastic people to quickly set up a blog, write twenty posts in three days, get no response and give up.

6. Lead generation

Lead generation [Part of speech: Verb]: A method of finding people who probably don't want your product and selling it to them anyway.

7. Affiliate marketing

Affiliate marketing [Part of speech: Verb]: A recent business practice, popularized on the Internet, that allows people to sell stuff they didn't develop, don't manufacture, have never owned, haven't used and probably have never come into contact with.

8. Social media

Social media [Part of speech: Noun]: Any content that involves a clip of a man being hit in the groin that can then be used for SEO, PPC, ROI, CRM, Lead generation, Affiliate marketing and just about any other aspect of Internet marketing.

Now that you are well versed in the subtleties of Internet marketing, I trust that you will use your newfound knowledge to generate revenue, build traffic, monetize and convert and generally do all the things a good Internet marketer should do.

Don't forget to share this article with your friends and colleagues...

and add a few of your own definitions in the comments. Great definitions will be added to the list.